Ladies, Did You Know...

Welcome to this peek behind the curtain of the man’s world.  Here I will attempt, at the risk of losing my membership, to give women some insights into what happens when you ladies aren’t around.  As always, it’s just for fun and the scenarios are general.  I do not intend to spotlight any individuals, so in the interest of entertainment please don’t ask me to elaborate.  

I’ve wanted to talk about bathrooms for some time.  When I was in high school I read a Dave Barry book where talks about the “middle urinal.”  For you ladies that don’t know, a lot of men’s rooms have three urinals.  Barry talked about the phenomenon where if one man is at one of the outside urinals and a second man comes in, he inevitably will choose the urinal furthest away.  Never the middle.  You just don’t do that.  He continues to explain that if two men are already saddled up to do their thing and a third man enters, the last guy will either wait or go into one of the stalls.  Every time!  I wanted to add two things.

First, as a caveat to this scenario, I always try and use the middle urinal if I am the only one there.  That way I know if someone comes in he’ll have to choose between breaking the guy code of encroaching on my pee-space, or heading into the stall.  I do this all the time just for fun. 

The other thing, and this is something I have been observing and participating in for years, is something I call bathroom sounds.  Here’s the deal: You enter a bathroom and someone is occupying one of the stalls for a good ole number two.  You may know that person is there because their shoes are adorned with the pants melted over top, or maybe you have the unfortunate experience of smelling them, but almost every time you will get an audible warning.  I’m talking about a cough or a clearing of the throat.  The man on the throne will let you know he’s in there.  I have no idea why this happens.  In my case I use a sniff.  Sniff equals, “I’m here and I don’t know why I have the feeling that I should announce it but I am and deal with it.”  It’s like walking through a desert only to hear a rattle from under a bush.  You don’t want to be in that bush with that snake, but the snake is giving you the courtesy to say, “Hey, hear that rattle?  Yeah, I’m over here and if you value your current way of life you should just keep moving.”   

Man oh man.  I like sex.  I have a healthy appetite for it but maybe if you were to interview my wife she’d say I’m more interested in sleep sometimes.  I won’t deny it, I like sleep, too.  So why does it seem that a man’s libido falls off once they’re married or in a serious relationship?  I can’t speak for everyone here, but I have had these conversations with my buddies and I have some interesting news to report. 

Of all the guys I have spoken to about this they claim they still love sex as much as they did before they were married.  But they point out back then their pursuit of bedding their gal trumped any and everything.  The stress of work, hanging out with their friends, and even watching or playing sports, could be ignored and sacrificed for the chance to have some elusive one on one time with a girl.  And then they captured that flag.  Then again.  And again.  Then they got married and soon they weren’t just choosing sex over $2 beer night, but now they had to juggle more responsibilities like taxes, budgets, kids, etc.  They just grew tired, literally.  All of them said they’d rather fall back on the old days but their work week really sucked the libido out of them…sometimes.  What I am trying to say is, if there was ever an “it’s not you it’s me” moment that was actually true, it’s this. 

Now this is just a general statement.  I know there are tons of studs out there that can go all night and they satisfy all your desires every time.  But not everyone can date 19 year-olds (ahem, Linda Hogan) and porn stars.  So if you are one of those sexually frustrated wives/girlfriends the best advice I can offer to increase your quality time in the bedroom is help your guy out with some of his responsibilities.  I guarantee he will repay the favor all night long.  Or at least for “eight” minutes when you came to expect “no” minutes.  

“Does my butt look fat in these jeans?”  You’ve (women) all asked it.  We’ve (men) all heard it.  Seriously, what do you want us to say?  You want an honest guy that will tell you the truth at all times, but when we do you sometimes don’t like what you hear.  Then there are times when we lie, and you know we are, and you get mad at us for that.  Guess what women, men don’t care.  They don’t.  They don’t care about the question and they don’t care if "it" looks fat or not.  Why?  Because we know it’s a loaded question and nothing we say will satisfy you.  So save us the heartache and please don't ask us.  

Quick tip for guys, if asked trick questions it’s best to mumble or change the subject.  If neither work, get up as if interested and “trip” on the coffee table but be sure it is severe enough that you have no less than a four night stay in the hospital.  

Do we think about someone else during sex?  Uh, sometimes (except me, I never do that...).  And so do you.  So stop asking.  Moving on.  

I may not be able to shed light on this.  I ask for directions or I hover over a map, WWII style for hours and commit the plan to memory (think, the scene in The Dirty Dozen) so that I don’t get lost.  And if I do get lost I will stop for directions.  I do this because I really don’t think my manhood is in question if I admit that I am lost, and also because asking for directions will get me to my destination faster.  One girl I spoke to said she thinks men don’t ask directions because it’s a pride thing.  That definitely plays into that stereotype, but I want to know where that started.  Everyone I know asks for directions or prints maps or has GPS in their phone or car.  

Caddyshack, Wedding Crashers, The 40 Year Old Virgin, The American Pie films, anything with Seth Rogen and Adam Sandler, these are movies I love.  And also millions of other dudes love them, too.  And you want to know why?  Well, first of all they are funny.  They may be low-brow, insulting, and over the top, but they are funny.  We enjoy them because our entire existence as guys is predicated on making fun of each other.  We relate to these movies.  Girls and women may kid around with each other, but I am told when the day is done women will turn right around stab each other in the back.  We don’t do that.  Also, the other reason we like these films are because they are highly quotable.  Men like to have whole conversations laced with, “Yeah, baby!” and “Are they built for speed or comfort?  What you do with ‘em?  Motorboat?  You play the motorboat?”  And they remind us of our best times hanging out with our best friends.  They keep us young at heart.  They keep making these movies and we’ll keep watching them.  

Nine time out of ten the image you have about what is going on at a bachelor party is waaaaay worse than what is actually happening at one.  I have yet to be at a bachelor party that has come close to rivaling Tom Hanks’ movie or the ridiculous aftermath of Very Bad Things.  My own personal bachelor party was a snooze fest compared to others and I am someone who is known to live things up.  Look ladies, in the real world most men love their wives to be so much that the thought of the indecency you picture in your head is out of the question.  Most bachelor parties involve heavy drinking, storytelling, and yes, flirting.  But it is all done harmlessly and hopefully under the watchful eyes of your best friends.  I have actually thought about my bachelor party and my decision to ban hired strippers.  My best friend was mad.  Everyone was a little bored I’m sure, but no one got hurt and I think it was a great time.  That’s what those parties are for.  By the way, we also don’t care about what happens at bachelorette parties and it isn’t because we have our own dirty secrets.  It’s because we are men and we simply don’t care (but we know you misbehave even worse).  

That’s all am willing to share at this time.  I feel like that masked magician who has pissed off the magic world by giving up all the secrets on the television show.  But if you think I am dead wrong or possibly correct, or if you have other questions about us guys, let me hear in the comments below.  If I get enough questions maybe I’ll do a follow up.