First Time Father - One Month In

Our son is a month old today.  And so it is that I have also been a first time dad for that same amount of time.  I’d like to say that it has been the best month of my life, but it hasn’t.  It hasn’t been the worst either, it’s just that out of the 30 or so days since Grayson has been on earth, I have been absent from him and my wife for 17 of them.  If you read any of my earlier Hubs about this new thing (for me) called fatherhood, you’ll know I have been in one State for most of this year, while my wife has been in another.  Never ideal.  But when it came time for our son to be born I flew to my wife and spent three weeks with her and Grayson, and in that time discovered I hate, now more than ever, being away from my family.

I knew I hated any form of long distance relationship long ago.  When my wife was pregnant and we decided for her to move back to Florida, closer to friends and family, and the ability to work at a big hospital where she would feel needed and happy, I said and did all the right things to make it work out for the best.  But I was miserable.  And now, after welcoming Grayson to our lives, I have felt uninspired for the better part of the month without getting to see him grow everyday as a person, and see my wife grow everyday as a mom.  I am missing out and I feel sick about it. 

To speed to the resolution of this story, I fly back to them in 9 days and as a family we will make our way “home” to New Mexico.  It may be for a week, or a month or months, but we will finally be together.  Now, when people ask me if I am getting sleep, I can say, “a little.”  And my wife will not have to worry about leaving Grayson with family members when she goes to the gym, because he’ll be with daddy.

In the last 17 days I have missed out on a lot.  Will it cost me Daddy of the Year points?  Not from him.  But I feel like I have neglected the little sprout.  And sprout is key, because my wife told me he has gained almost two pounds and three quarters of an inch in the last month.  I missed all that.   I missed the little, odorless poops turn to a sour smell.  I have missed Grayson arc his pee with such precision that a recent pin-point aim nearly landed in his 11 year old cousin’s mouth.  Surely I have missed the late night feedings and fuss, mommy drained from interrupted sleep, crying and diaper changes.  Some men might rejoice at this, but I am admittedly broken-hearted to not have been there.  But soon…

Soon I will get the elbow to the ribcage and “It’s your turn to feed the baby.”  Rockets, small arms bursting a mile away, and mortar detonations couldn’t wake me from my dead-head slumber while I was in Iraq, but I welcome Grayson’s cries of hunger.  I can’t wait to baby Bjorn him, to sing “Ring of Fire” off key with glee and know it soothes him, or dress him up in his first Halloween costume (a frog suit which I know he will look great in).  I may have missed a lot of the first month of his life, but I plan to make it up to him and my wife in all the remaining ones.

Lessons learned?  I have learned that my wife has been an excellent mom, even surprising herself.  But I have also learned that sometimes, no matter what I say to comfort my wife about post-partum workouts, she will only see a contorted, house of mirrors image of herself when she sees her reflection.  I have learned that diapers.com is awesome and way cheaper than anything else I have found.  This knowledge is good because now when I shop I’m doing the math and figuring out how many diapers I’m sacrificing for Grayson when I consider buying something I don’t need for myself. 

I know there will be many more things to learn from Grayson and for myself in the near future.  I know that that our son will continue to grow and his maturation will test our marriage and our patience.   None of it will be easy, but all of it will be easier as a family than it has been as a geographically separated dad.