Be a man, do your own laundry

I won't lie to you, ever. I can't be a good teacher if my pupils ever doubt the veracity of my lessons. So with that in mind, you need to know a few things before you can truly make your wife happy outside of the bedroom.

First, I am recently married. You only need to know that because I have successfully managed to please my wife outside of the bedroom for the past 22 days straight without a hiccup.

Second, I can't honestly say for sure that my methods will work for everyone. If you aren't married they won't work. Though MAYBE you could apply them to your girlfriend/boyfriend or mom (if you live in her basement).

Third, you have to want to help yourself. Yes, it all starts with you if you want it to end with you. And by that I mean, you goal should be to remain happy in your relationships, but you have to be willing to do things that most guys can't or won't.

Oh, that leads me to my last point - this, and probably all my subsequent postings, will be written from a man's perspective. So let's get to it.

With all respect to the popular, yet hurtful pop-cult maxim, "If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, don't make a pretty woman your wife..." YOU can be happy no matter who you marry. Thing is, whether she's a nine or an 8.5, or ghast, an eight, she'll always feel like a 10 if she is happy with you. But you must realize that you are part of that solution, and ALWAYS the problem.

Men are territorial. We don't like to clean up after ourselves because we think it helps us mark our domain. But we can't succeed without winning the hearts and minds of our enemies/best friends (wives) unless we make some changes. And they are pretty simple things to change at that.

Clean whay you dirty. The dishes. How many times has your wife cooked AND cleaned the dishes? A million. How many times have you done the same? Six.

My wife and I have a deal, she cooks, I clean. I cook, she cleans. Yes, I clean more than cook, but the balance is blissful.

Laundry. How awesome would it be to clean all of your wife's stinky work-out clothes and sweat solied daily wear? Not that awesome. Well guess what? She doesn't want to clean your nasty stuff either. So be a man and do your own laundry. I have compiled some helpful hints for you, too, so you have no excuses.

Do your laundry at least once a week. Ultimately you save money and energy because you aren't stuffing load after load of your funky clothes into the washer and dryer. Plus, by cleaning your clothes more often you won't be stinking up the closet or wherever you keep your hamper. Oh yeah, get a hamper.

Two, separating whites and colors is for amatuers. Now many people may dissagree with me here, but this article is not about what works for those people. Sometimes the effort is just as good when done at half-speed. Most clothes are color safe, and so are most detergents. So the mish-mash of whites and blues are ok most of the time. And again, you save money because you are doing less loads.

Next, always use cold water in the wash. If you have a stain, take it to the cleaners. Otherwise, keep it cool and save money. I didn't do the research, but I read it, in a book, that doing your laundry in cold water takes less energy than warm water, saving you money.

Oh, a big one from experience. Use fabric softener but beware. Get one of of those little orb things that you pour the softener into, and make sure its secure. Pouring the softener directly upon your clothes will stain them. And only use a capfull of laundry detergent, its enough.

Next you'll want to dry your clothes and this should be easy but sometimes guys get it wrong. Men get it right. Toss your wet clothes into the dryer. Put it on time dry always. I don't even know what the other settings mean. 50 minutes should be enough, depending on the size load. DO NOT DRY YOUR KNITTED THINGS like the Gap sweater your mom bought you or the scarf that you made to impress some chick. Yes, she was "some chick," unless you married her then she was "the one."

Ok, now you still have two more steps to fully ensure that you're a man and your wife will be happy.

Your clothes are dry and I know that you feel some sense of accomplishment. But under no circumstances should you leave your clothes in the dryer for longer then 38 minutes. If you do you risk:

A) Clean, dry clothes that start to wrinkle

B) Having your clothes thrown on the floor by the woman you were trying to impress

So return to the scene and pluck those fresh, clean clothes from the dryer.

Finally, and this is a big one, fold your clothes ASAP and put them away. Your wife will be pleased that you did your own laundry, but not if you just store the clothes on the bureau or love seat or floor. Take the extra ten minutes and roll your socks, hang your shirts, and put those shorts in their proper place.

You did it. And you might say big deal. But never say, "Honey, did you see I did my laundry?" Hey, Sherlock, here's a clue, your wife expects you to do things on your own, especially when its cleaning up after yourself. So try not to mention your victory over your slovenly self. Be a man and keep it to yourself, she knows what you did and she'll thank you in other ways.

I'll leave you with this. Cleaning up after yourself once if you have never done it is rewarding to yourself. Doing it repeatedly will be a reward for your wife and you in the long run. It's less stress and hassle for her which translates into more "free time" for both of you. But my words here are not all encompassing. You can find other things in your life that can make a difference between a warm night in bed or a cold night on the couch. Only you know what those things are, so be Columbo and go find out how to solve those conundrums.

I welcome any feedback, especially if what I say works. Next time I'll do something with pictures.