9 Worst Military Movies

I couldn't call this list 9 Worst War Movies because all of these movies aren't about an actual war, but they all involve some sort of military, and they all suck. And while there are certainly many military movies that are worthy of ranking on this list, sometimes I had the good sense to not visit with them. So here now are my nine (favorite) worst movies about the military. I apologize if you like them. That is, I feel sorry for you.

I can't stand Lori Petty, and I certainly can't stand Lori Petty in this movie that had no business being made. Tank Girl is the kind of movie that makes sensible people wonder why money was spent on production of such drivel and why an actor would even consider taking the role. I don't care that it was based on some British comic book, I wish I could erase having seen this movie from my mind. This movie makes Flash Gordon look like Casablanca. In a good way.

This half-assed attempt to re-make the magic of Stripes but set after the Gulf War fails miserably and is an insult to the men and women who served in the Persian Gulf in the early 90's. Pauly Shore and Andy Dick join the army together and soon find themselves in the desert as part of a water purification team. Add in Lori Petty, whom I just told you I loathe, and you get yourself one cracker-jack of a movie. And by cracker-jack I mean horse poop.

Horray Hollywood! Even in the mid-90's your ability to rehash old television shows to turn a buck had no limits, or taste. Both movies, littered with well known T.V. and film stars, are no-go's. From Tom Arnold as a submarine commander as the titular McHale, to Steve Martin's Bilko, you get nearly three hours of terrible writing, lame sight gags, and wasted money all around. I think the only reason Tom Arnold was given the lead role in this, or any film, was because he was funny for five minutes in True Lies. The one saving grace for Navy is the all-too-brief presence of nerd-superstar Bruce Campbell. Bilko sports the late, great Phil Hartman, but even he couldn't save the movie. Drop and give me twenty, each.

My dad will be very upset with me, but the geniuses who brought us the indelible Toxic Avenger also gave us this incredibly sick (in every way) and gory war movie where ordinary citizens become hero's by fighting back against the man. If you have even heard of this movie you have to agree that Troma should have stayed its course with ole' Toxie and stayed away from the social-ecological-economic commentary of War. If you never have heard of this movie give yourself 7 points and proceed to the next movie for your chance to be proven stupid.

Que bella, Nic Cage, pizza pie, struma-little gitara, a-movie stupida.

I wanted to like this movie so much. Bruce Willis, underrated Cole Hauser, and the muy caliente Monica Bellucci, all running through the war-ravaged jungles of Nigeria while trying to stay a step ahead of murderous war-lord personnel. But the movie is heavy on political commentary and very light on military structure, namely failure to obey orders. There is no doubt that everyday Soldiers are told to do things they don't like to do, but this movie takes that idea and runs with it, further from reality than most even dare. It's good to see the Navy Spec Ops team come together even though they obviously don't all agree that Willis' Navy lieutenant has decided to go off the reservation in order to save some villagers. The Navy hasn't really had a lot of good movies made about it when you consider this, Navy SEALS, hit and miss G.I. Jane, and number 7 on my list McHale's Navy (notableexceptions, A Few Good Men, Men of Honor, and Mutiny on the Bouty). Tears of the Sun is An "F" after director Antoine Fuqua's glorious "A" with Training Day.

I realize that John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson have a lot of fun making movies, but they tend to have a knack for hyperbole with the roles they choose. And in Basic the audience unfortunately doesn't get to have as much fun as these two actors who seem to have no clue about how to portray someone in the army. You'd think Travolta would have learned a lesson after he made The General's Daughter (not on the list but not far off it, either), but it doesn't appear so. And whoever was in charge of military consultation should have been fired or blacklisted. You've got Staff Sergeants wearing Specialist rank, f*d-up berrets, and Jackson, for some reason, donning a poncho-cape throughout. The highly-concocted and hard to comprehend "twist" ending doesn't help either. However it does make it easy to put it on my list of military drivel.

I am not a big fan of movies poking fun of the military just for the sake of making a joke (see #1 on my list). I know first-hand that there are plenty of things to laugh at within the military, but I don't like it when the military is generalized as a buffoonery of circus proportions. And I know I am blaspheming those hard-core Ernest-philes, but after his sappy song from Ernest Goes to Camp made me cry when I was 10, it was all downhill for Jim Varney (save for his voice over work in Toy Story). RIP.

Admittedly I did not see this movie. Why would I? A port-o-potty of a movie starring a port-o-potty "comedian," Larry the Cable Guy. I think I get the gist. Some hillbillies join the Army National Guard or something and accidentally find their way into Mexico, thinking they are in Iraq, and hilarity ensues when these underachieving Soldier-types try to band together and overcome their shortcomings and save a village. That is knee-slapping. Riotous. Oh, it's also offensive to the real men and women who serve in the armed forces. This is the exact type of movie that I can only hope ends careers of producers, writers, directors, and actors. People involved with this movie don't deserve to be in the business and should instead be handing out flick-pamphlets on the Vegas strip.

Which ones do you hate? Which did I forget? Tell me below.